Eat, Pray, Love... Grow!

Isn’t it funny how we don’t realize that we’re growing until we’ve grown? We need to see results and progress to believe. Like, when women are trying a new diet, they aren’t satisfied until their jeans fit a little looser or the number gets lower on the scale. Forget the fact that they are now exercising or eating healthy. We all just want results. The funniest thing about it is that it isn’t really funny at all.

What happen to patience? Being diligent dreamers? I feel like we were taught the basic subjects in school but no one really taught us about hope and motivation. Who teaches that subject? The closest thing is church- Which in my experiences, bring me back down to Earth and keep me grounded. However, where was our life coach back in grade school who should have been lifting us up? The person who isn’t your parents but says, “You can do it” and “Believe in yourself”. This is so frustrating to me because this is SO ME! I play this role and I cannot stand being surrounded by people who don’t have it in them to reciprocate. Love me hard as f*ck or let me be!!

One day God told me I needed a divine addition in my life. At that time, I didn’t know what it would be. But in the end, He decided to bless me with Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Incorporated. And with that, He gave me Linesisters. Through that sisterhood, I learned how to follow suit like no other (since I am in the BACK of the Line :)). Apparently, the Sorors are all reading Eat, Pray, Love- So you know what I did? I copped that jawn too!

Between breathing, sleeping, eating, and working, I can’t keep my hands off of this book. This post won’t be a synopsis of the book. One- Because I am not finished yet. And two- Because this is something you need to experience for yourself. This book is amazing in so many ways. So far it’s taught me about pursuit of personal pleasure, the strength of spirituality and self-identity. This book is ALL about the "you can do it"- Just what I needed.

The book is reminding me that if you don’t make you happy, who will? There are so many things about me that I let slip through the cracks because I am trying to make someone else happy or trying to do what I think should make me happy. But when is the right time to discover what makes me ecstatic and indulge in it? I’ve decided: RIGHT FUCKIN NOW!!

With this, I decided that the people that I will surround myself with are going to make me happy as hell. They will inspire me. Challenge me. Be good to me. Surprise me. Put me on to new things. Love me. Motivate me. Explore with me. Try new things with me. Take over the world with me. Pray with me. Read books with me. Look fly with me. Appreciate a good quote with me. Grow with me.

Isn’t funny how we grow and don’t even realize it? Now that my vision is clear, I do see results. But I am still satisfied with the results that have yet to come. I am happy with the road to success, just as much as I will be pleased when I finally get off that road and park this bitch called “life.” I am growing and morphing into this free spirited, spiritual woman. I am blossoming into a healthier, more loving me. I am rising to my highest height.

How are you growing?

-Vic

My Type Of Girl...

When we set standards and expectations, we base them off of what we imagine is ideal. Correct? So, in the end, when we mold ourselves into the women and men, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives that we should be, we are essentially saying that, that is what we would look for if we were judging from the outside. Like, the woman I want to be is in all actuality the woman I'd wanna marry if I were a dude. Get it?

So, would I date me? No, seriously. Ask yourself this question. Is what you are offering good enough if it was YOU on the receiving end?

But then on the other end. I WANT to be soooo much! I am not there yet though. However, I have high expectations. Recently, my expectations have been challenged. The question at hand was whether my expectations and standards were too high? Did I expect it right now or just for my partner to aspire to standards of that height? Well, I've been thinking about it and it's not that I want it right this minute.

My standards will not lower any time soon. Nor will they change because someone cannot meet them. They will simply find a healthy balance. Which is for that person to at least have aspirations that are in the same lane as mine. I can "bend" but I will not fold. I will work on my patience. Not only because it is more realistic, but because I may not be the package that my partner wants me to be right now. I’d expect him to be patient while I grow too.

Another funny thing about love and expectations are boundaries. Once we’ve crossed them, do we know how to step back over them to get on the right path? If you know, please enlighten us all. When you have gone too far or the relationship gets too bad, how do you fix it? Right now I am learning that it’s not all about WHO we are but WHERE we are at the time…

Who am I? I’m strong, opinionated, anal at times, sarcastic, sweet, inspirational, harsh, a good listener, pushy, selfish, stubborn, giving, self-centered, enthusiastic, charismatic, intelligent, and dingy. Yep, these are all parts of who I am… at times. Would I want to be with me? I say yes at first but then I question myself at times. Do I say that about myself because I run away from people who cannot except me for me? Am I unbearable but don’t take the time out to take responsibility for my faults? Do I even deserve all that I ask for? Idk anymore. But MY question is: If I am too much of one of my characteristics, can I change that for someone I love? How does one change what they’ve been programmed to be for 23 years of living? If I decide to change/mend/fix, how long will it take me and how long will they wait?

So much of me has changed over the last couple of years that I, along with so many of my friends, am having a hard time keeping up with myself. When you describe yourself, do you use a general speech that you’ve been using for years? Most people do! They don’t really know how to describe themselves because in life, you don’t deal with YOU. You deal with the reaction that people give from you and you base who you are off of that.

So what would your partner say about you? Is how they see you really farfetched? Or are you in denial?

We have to look at ourselves for who and what we REALLY are. And if we, in fact, don’t like that person we must take responsibility and make the necessary changes. So if I looked in the mirror, would I want to be with me? Right now. Not really.

-Vic

5 Stages in Relationships

Stage 1 - The Romance Stage

This is also known as the Courtship Phase or the Fantasy Stage, and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. This is when you and your partner have just met, and everything is absolutely amazing. You can't get enough of each other. Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other... mainly because you're both still on your best behavior. The focus in this stage is on commonalities - you have so many common interests, you could practically be the same person! You show your partner your absolute best self, and you try to please each other as much as possible. Conflict is seen as "bad" in this stage, and is avoided at all costs. You can't imagine living without this person, so you begin spending as much time together as possible. This is the stage when our defenses are down the most, which allows you to be open to and fall in love. You and your partner are building an important foundation in this stage, so your relationship can grow. There are biological effects as well. When you're in this stage, your body is producing enormous amounts of endorphins, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive and excited about everything in your life (this is that "head over heels in love" feeling!). This is the stage most often portrayed in movies and romantic novels, for obvious reasons. Bottom line - you are happier than you've ever been, and can't imagine ever feeling any differently.

Stage 2 - The Disillusionment Stage

This stage is also known as the Familiarization Stage, or the Adjusting to Reality Phase. This is where you begin to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors!). You get to know each other more and more, and as a result you start recognizing their various flaws and shortcomings. You see your partner in relaxed situations, and you become more relaxed as well. Since your body cannot possibly continue to produce the same levels of endorphins that it was in the beginning, those feelings of being on top of the world start to decline. Your partner's little habits aren't quite as cute as they used to be, but there is still enough goodwill from the Romance Stage that you're willing to overlook them. This stage can start to trickle into your relationship slowly, as you begin to see your partner for who s/he really is. Or sometimes it happens all of a sudden, when there has been some sort of dishonesty or deceit. This phase can be confusing and discouraging, since you've just experienced so much openness and connection in the Romance Stage. However, at this stage, your main job is to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict with this person effectively, which is an important skill if you want your relationship to continue.

Stage 3 - The Power Struggle Stage

This stage is also known as the Disappointment Phase or Distress Stage. As the characteristics from the Disillusionment Phase intensify, they become harder and harder to deal with. You will most likely begin to pull away from each other in this stage. At this point, you both still believe that conflict is a "bad" thing, but you are increasingly aware of your many differences. You fight to draw boundaries in the relationship, and as a result even small annoyances become big issues. This is the stage where you define unacceptable behavior, and most couples have occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. More and more often, you start to feel like your partner is self-centered or un-caring, or even worse, that they simply can't be trusted. Deep resentments begin to build if you're unable to resolve your issues in a respectful and mutually agreeable way. Many couples get stuck in this stage, because this way of interacting becomes normal in their relationship. This is when it is absolutely necessary to learn to manage your differences effectively - to communicate and work together as a team, even though it's tempting to believe that your partner's sole purpose on Earth is to make your life difficult. Not surprisingly, this is the stage most couples are in when they decide to break up or file for divorce. However, if they are able to negotiate all of the landmines during this phase, they'll move on to....

Stage 4 - The Stability Stage

This is a restful and peaceful time, compared to the last stage. This stage is also known as the Friendship Phase or Reconciliation Stage. Some couples never make it to this stage, but the ones who do find that they have deeper feelings of love, connection and trust with their partner. You now have history together, and most people begin to rely on the predictability of the relationship. As you enter this stage, you begin to realize that your partner isn't perfect, but your personal differences aren't quite as threatening as they used to be. You're able to resolve most of your differences, at least to some extent, and you become more confident in the relationship. Some people feel a sense of loss in this stage as they learn to accept their partner for who they truly are, since this means they have to let go of the fantasy that was established early on in the relationship. But for the most part, the deepening sense of friendship and commitment is a good trade-off for those early feelings of butterflies and excitement. This is also when you begin to re-establish your own outside interests and friendships, which were given up in the Romance Phase. There is some danger that you may begin to drift apart from or become bored with your partner in this phase, so you should try to maintain the connection that was created in the Romance Phase. Overall, this is the stage when you finally begin to feel comfortable and happy with your deepening relationship.

Stage 5 - The Commitment Stage

This stage is also known as the Acceptance Phase, the Transformation Stage, or the Real Love Phase. It is estimated that fewer than 5% of couples actually make it to this stage, according to The Relationship Institute. This is the stage when both couples have a clear notion of who their partner is, faults, foibles and weaknesses galore... yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person in spite of all of those things (and in some cases, because of those things). You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you've chosen them, which means the level of resentment you felt in the Power Struggle Phase has decreased, if not disappeared. If you've made it to this stage, you and your partner are a team. You genuinely love your partner, and you look out for their best interests just as much as you look out for your own. Your partner is your best friend. There are few surprises about your partner's habits or character in this phase. You've collaborated to overcome many challenges together, and have grown to accept and support each other without restriction. Your vision for your relationship is in congruence with who you are and what you both truly want. You have discussed your future together - you have similar life goals, and you feel encouraged to define your relationship further. Many couples decide to make a formal or public commitment to each other in this stage (such as marriage) to demonstrate their intention to continue their relationship. This is the stage in which your relationship becomes a true partnership.

Love, Me.

No motivational message. No challenge. I just felt like writing and this is what came out...

What is love? Is it when you see yourself in another person's soul? When you are certain that they love you as much as you love them? When you've finally molded a person to love you the way you want to be loved? If so, i disagree with you. Now.

I don't think love can be defined. Or compared. Yes, i've been in love before. Well, i've loved someone before. I would have loved them as much as they needed for as long as they wanted- As long as in my eyes, i was loved back to the same degree. Yep, I said it. I'm not giving this love away if I'm not sure if they love me the same. Immature? Maybe.

But love doesn't work like that. We don't always get want we want when we want it. No matter how bad that is. But if you love, you love. I've loved someone and tried to over-love them just so they'd return the favor. Yes, i wanted them to fall in love with how in love I was with them. A strategic plan of mine. And one of most women today.

We as women are taught to adore and admire a man in order to gain his true love. How sick is that? Almost like we gotta convince a nigga to love us. It's because we have so much competition in this society. Of course, I (like every woman) feel like I'm the shit and no chick can compare to what I offer in mind, body and soul. But since that's not how you guys base your judgment on who will be your next arm piece, that means we're all in the same league. Thus, we're all competing against each other for these niggas!!!

It's so funny because we thought we loved so many people. And in fact, it wasn't love at all. When I think about the times and the people I've wasted such a powerful word on, it makes me feel like that wasn't shit! It also makes me feel like it couldn't possibly be love because how the hell did I love someone who obviously (in my face) didn't love me back? Or how did I say it before I saw ALL of that person's true colors? What the fuck was in my head where this person didn't have to work for my love?! I just gave it willingly. I just don't know.

But now at 23, I'm as stubborn as I wanna be. I'm a sucker for love but I work on my offer package EVERYDAY! So you think I'm not gonna challenge you on what your package has to offer? I think not. I'm one of those people who refuses to give credit until I'm impressed. I won't hate but I won't compliment either LOL

Impress me! Love me like I've never experienced. Love me as hard as you can and even when I don't want you to. Love me when I don't love myself and I need it the most. Love me enough to challenge me to be all that I can be. Love me so much that nothing else matters in the world because I'm good- You love me so I'm whole. Not worried about shit else. Love me in a way that I feel sick when I don't have you in my grasp. I want that type of love where we're in the same room and I can't wait to dip and take your clothes off. When I just HAVE to touch you. I want it where we are silly like kids when together. Where the sex is crazy every single time. Even during a quickie! When our friends know the deal and we're one. Never just Vic. But more like, "Is (enter name here) and Vic coming too?"

Yea... I want that shit.

-Vic

"It really was no miracle. What happened was just this..."

If you asked me last year what type of person I’d be a year from then, I’d be totally off. My outlook has changed, my circumstances, approach towards life, goals, have all changed- For the better. Most would just write it off as maturation, but I’m not gonna limit myself to that. Yes, I’ve matured. But I have also been blessed, I’ve blossomed, I’ve experienced, I’ve yearned for more and for better. That’s not just maturation. That’s something divine.

I know that everyone has something deep down inside that tells them they deserve better or that they were destined for something great. But I feel that 10x more than others, I think. LOL Not downplaying anyone else’s dreams or goals. Not at all. For one, I wish nothing but the best for EVERYONE. But simply because I no longer compare my life to anyone else’s. I can’t. It’s a disease that many of us face and it only holds us back. Never compare. Set your own personal goals, base them only off your wants/needs/reality, then attain them on your own schedule. Simple. I’m destined for some big shit… That’s all I know.

I won’t lie though. I’m all about the positive now but let me keep it real. Sometimes I get really down. It’s because I look around and see privileged people. Some people just have so fuckin easy and it pisses me off. I get sooooo mad and envious and shut down. But they are not privileged- They are simply blessed in different ways than I am. At times like these, my positive attitude goes out of the window. I try to whine to someone but I get no results. You know, like when you were younger you did that to your parents and they always had something to say or do to make you happy for the moment. So whining gets tired. Because I realized that no one can help me but me. That’s how it’s been for many years. And yes, I pray about it. I do. But I learned something in church a short while ago….

I learned that God is really our Father in more ways than we realize. Essentially, the sermon was about asking for things versus waiting your turn. Being patient enough to wait on God’s movement and the things that were already written for us. The example the pastor gave us was how just like when we were younger we’d beg, cry and have tantrums for the things we wanted, we have that same relationship with God- Our Father. Didn’t matter if my mama told me we didn’t have the money for it or if I already had a similar toy, if I wanted it- I wanted it now. Something in my head told me I needed it and it was imperative that I had it at that very moment, thus, on my time. So like most parents, even when they know you shouldn’t have it, they give it to you. Sometimes because they really want you to shut the hell up. But sometimes, they give it you in a, “Here! Take this shit. You’ll learn.” type of way. (Don’t you remember how stupid you felt when you proved your parents right with stuff like that? LOL)

So back to me. When I start to whine about things that aren’t going my way… I don’t pray about it. I feel like it’s wrong of me to pray for my wants. I already know that God has my best interest at heart and will provide the things that I need. No need for me to ask for those. I just give thanks all the time. Even for the hard times. Because I know that there is a lesson out of it. Simple.

But sometimes I just cry to myself. Because I want to just call my daddy and have him tell me SOMETHING! Anything! There is nothing like the firm solution from a father figure. It’s like the end all, be all. Even if you don’t like it, from that point you kind of feel comfortable just accepting whatever he said. I was really emotional after this sermon on Father’s. I would kill for that comfort.

I pray that my Dad would come to me in my dreams but he never does. All I really want is a hug. Just to hear his voice tell me that everything will be okay. I’d believe him. And even though a dream is just a figment of my imagination, I’d take that and run with it. It would provide so much comfort. Just like when you haven’t heard from someone in a long time and they call you. Or like, when you think that you will never hear from someone again and you finally see their name pop up on the screen of your phone. Yea, that feeling. I want that. I wonder why he never comes to my dreams.

I say all of this to say, sometimes we feel as though we are at our lowest points. I told you, if someone asked me where I thought I’d be at on June 1, 2010.. It wouldn’t be here. And not only location wise, but who I’ve become as a person. I wouldn’t have been able to describe this Victoria a year ago. And yes, there will be so many great times. But we need to be real with ourselves, there will be some bad times too- Let’s face it. What is most important and what will get you by is your resolve. With you accepting things for how they are, being thankful regardless of how much you like the cards you were dealt and being humbled by whatever lesson that experience was divinely placed in your life for. In life, there will be times were you cannot lean on anyone to whine. All you will have is you.

Be strong. Be thankful. Be you. When you are down, look up!

-Vic