Everybody Hates Paige: “A Pig, a Horse, and a Clove, Part I"

I want to first explain what this "Everybody Hates Paige" business is all about. For some peculiar reason when I was born, the stars aligned and determined that the most ridiculous shit ever would happen to me. I am the friend that tells stories about my love life, everyday life, and random encounters only to hear my friends laugh and respond "Paige, that shit only happens to you..."

When I was younger, I thought something was wrong with me... but I have now learned to embrace it all... the good, the bad, and the ridiculous... So here goes Part I of my story. Enjoy and please feel free to offer your thoughts in the comment section :)

There's this guy... I will refer to him as Brian for discretion purposes. Brian went to Howard and he's older (I'm 23 and I think he's around 26/27)... I was up one night so bored that I decided to browse Facebook since all of my Twitter homies were sleep and their ever so annoying Twittascopes began to fill my Timeline. Then, I got a "Facebook Suggestion" to be friends with this kid I once met through one of my girls from the tennis team my freshman year. I requested his friendship and the next day, he hits me through a message saying, "What's up? How you been girl?" The usual...

While I'm vacationing in Aruba with the rents, we are texting, Fbooking, and arranging our plans to hang out when I get back to DC. I get back to DC and we talk everyday all day about everything under the sun. We discussed my terrible sleeping habits and how they were preventing me from waking up in time to get to my 8 a.m. class. Brian offers to serve as my personal alarm clock and call me when he wakes up for work and the first day was a FAIL to be honest. I guess he noticed what a skit master I was and would make me talk to him for about 10-20 minutes to make sure I was actually awake. (I thought this was very cute and thoughtful by the way and I would say he got about 20 cool points daily for his efforts…) After about two weeks of constant communication, nightly phone calls, and random sweet nothings via text message, we planned to have dinner at his crib after I finished attending one of my Campus Organization meetings.

Let me pause and say I did notice the way he spoke and to paint a picture for you... it was a mix of the incorrect grammar of a foreigner, a New Orleans/Caribbean accent, and some other shit that I can't even figure out. Now I would be a lying cunt if I said this didn't irk the hell out of me. I actually considered not dealing with him all together because of this, but I've been brainwashed by society/Howard to adopt the mentality that the "Young Black Men with College Degrees AND a JOB" pickings are slim, therefore I can't afford to be TOO picky.

So… I told myself... "Paige, I understand that you can be a little Hilary Banks-ish at times and you are more inclined to date guys who are a little Will Smith with a dash of Carlton Banks, but give the guy a chance and see where it goes. Do not judge him... Be cool... Get some Jack Daniels in your system before you hang out to take the annoying edge off and see how you feel dude."

Ok! Cool... So, I'm getting over it and looking past his many text typos (“right” always spelled “rite”... an occasional “their” being spelled as “there”... You know what the fuck I'm talking about...) We are about to hang out and I wear a cute little polo from the thrift, some skinnies, and heels (which I only really do if I'm in girly/club/job/date/or just "feeling myself" mode.) I go to my meeting and he hits me up telling me he's outside exactly when he said he would be. (On time? Check! Does he look as cute in person as he did on Facebook? Check! A quick case of first encounter butterflies? CHECK!) I'm geeked y'all...

Let me just say that I rarely give a guy enough time to even impress me after I’ve picked out things I don’t really like about him, let alone have me experiencing some damn butterflies. When I got in the car, he was playing Caribbean rap music that I wasn't really feeling (Actually, I’m lying… I hated it and felt like it was making my ears bleed), but it explained the accent a little, so I was cool with it. The lad lets me know that he needs to make a delivery to his mentee's house in Southeast...

(Making a positive impact in the Black community??? CHECK! CHECK! CHECK!)

We're driving to Southeast, having great conversation just like we do over the phone, and cracking up at the inside jokes made in our earlier convos… A player is excited and feeling optimistic. We get to the house in Southeast and he tells me he has to run in the house for a moment to get some papers from the kid and I agree to wait in the car. About 5 minutes pass and he comes out, gets in the car, and is brushing off his clothes. For this next part of the story, I think the dialogue will be better for your entertainment.

-To be continued…

My Type Of Girl...

When we set standards and expectations, we base them off of what we imagine is ideal. Correct? So, in the end, when we mold ourselves into the women and men, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives that we should be, we are essentially saying that, that is what we would look for if we were judging from the outside. Like, the woman I want to be is in all actuality the woman I'd wanna marry if I were a dude. Get it?

So, would I date me? No, seriously. Ask yourself this question. Is what you are offering good enough if it was YOU on the receiving end?

But then on the other end. I WANT to be soooo much! I am not there yet though. However, I have high expectations. Recently, my expectations have been challenged. The question at hand was whether my expectations and standards were too high? Did I expect it right now or just for my partner to aspire to standards of that height? Well, I've been thinking about it and it's not that I want it right this minute.

My standards will not lower any time soon. Nor will they change because someone cannot meet them. They will simply find a healthy balance. Which is for that person to at least have aspirations that are in the same lane as mine. I can "bend" but I will not fold. I will work on my patience. Not only because it is more realistic, but because I may not be the package that my partner wants me to be right now. I’d expect him to be patient while I grow too.

Another funny thing about love and expectations are boundaries. Once we’ve crossed them, do we know how to step back over them to get on the right path? If you know, please enlighten us all. When you have gone too far or the relationship gets too bad, how do you fix it? Right now I am learning that it’s not all about WHO we are but WHERE we are at the time…

Who am I? I’m strong, opinionated, anal at times, sarcastic, sweet, inspirational, harsh, a good listener, pushy, selfish, stubborn, giving, self-centered, enthusiastic, charismatic, intelligent, and dingy. Yep, these are all parts of who I am… at times. Would I want to be with me? I say yes at first but then I question myself at times. Do I say that about myself because I run away from people who cannot except me for me? Am I unbearable but don’t take the time out to take responsibility for my faults? Do I even deserve all that I ask for? Idk anymore. But MY question is: If I am too much of one of my characteristics, can I change that for someone I love? How does one change what they’ve been programmed to be for 23 years of living? If I decide to change/mend/fix, how long will it take me and how long will they wait?

So much of me has changed over the last couple of years that I, along with so many of my friends, am having a hard time keeping up with myself. When you describe yourself, do you use a general speech that you’ve been using for years? Most people do! They don’t really know how to describe themselves because in life, you don’t deal with YOU. You deal with the reaction that people give from you and you base who you are off of that.

So what would your partner say about you? Is how they see you really farfetched? Or are you in denial?

We have to look at ourselves for who and what we REALLY are. And if we, in fact, don’t like that person we must take responsibility and make the necessary changes. So if I looked in the mirror, would I want to be with me? Right now. Not really.

-Vic

5 Stages in Relationships

Stage 1 - The Romance Stage

This is also known as the Courtship Phase or the Fantasy Stage, and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. This is when you and your partner have just met, and everything is absolutely amazing. You can't get enough of each other. Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other... mainly because you're both still on your best behavior. The focus in this stage is on commonalities - you have so many common interests, you could practically be the same person! You show your partner your absolute best self, and you try to please each other as much as possible. Conflict is seen as "bad" in this stage, and is avoided at all costs. You can't imagine living without this person, so you begin spending as much time together as possible. This is the stage when our defenses are down the most, which allows you to be open to and fall in love. You and your partner are building an important foundation in this stage, so your relationship can grow. There are biological effects as well. When you're in this stage, your body is producing enormous amounts of endorphins, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive and excited about everything in your life (this is that "head over heels in love" feeling!). This is the stage most often portrayed in movies and romantic novels, for obvious reasons. Bottom line - you are happier than you've ever been, and can't imagine ever feeling any differently.

Stage 2 - The Disillusionment Stage

This stage is also known as the Familiarization Stage, or the Adjusting to Reality Phase. This is where you begin to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors!). You get to know each other more and more, and as a result you start recognizing their various flaws and shortcomings. You see your partner in relaxed situations, and you become more relaxed as well. Since your body cannot possibly continue to produce the same levels of endorphins that it was in the beginning, those feelings of being on top of the world start to decline. Your partner's little habits aren't quite as cute as they used to be, but there is still enough goodwill from the Romance Stage that you're willing to overlook them. This stage can start to trickle into your relationship slowly, as you begin to see your partner for who s/he really is. Or sometimes it happens all of a sudden, when there has been some sort of dishonesty or deceit. This phase can be confusing and discouraging, since you've just experienced so much openness and connection in the Romance Stage. However, at this stage, your main job is to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict with this person effectively, which is an important skill if you want your relationship to continue.

Stage 3 - The Power Struggle Stage

This stage is also known as the Disappointment Phase or Distress Stage. As the characteristics from the Disillusionment Phase intensify, they become harder and harder to deal with. You will most likely begin to pull away from each other in this stage. At this point, you both still believe that conflict is a "bad" thing, but you are increasingly aware of your many differences. You fight to draw boundaries in the relationship, and as a result even small annoyances become big issues. This is the stage where you define unacceptable behavior, and most couples have occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. More and more often, you start to feel like your partner is self-centered or un-caring, or even worse, that they simply can't be trusted. Deep resentments begin to build if you're unable to resolve your issues in a respectful and mutually agreeable way. Many couples get stuck in this stage, because this way of interacting becomes normal in their relationship. This is when it is absolutely necessary to learn to manage your differences effectively - to communicate and work together as a team, even though it's tempting to believe that your partner's sole purpose on Earth is to make your life difficult. Not surprisingly, this is the stage most couples are in when they decide to break up or file for divorce. However, if they are able to negotiate all of the landmines during this phase, they'll move on to....

Stage 4 - The Stability Stage

This is a restful and peaceful time, compared to the last stage. This stage is also known as the Friendship Phase or Reconciliation Stage. Some couples never make it to this stage, but the ones who do find that they have deeper feelings of love, connection and trust with their partner. You now have history together, and most people begin to rely on the predictability of the relationship. As you enter this stage, you begin to realize that your partner isn't perfect, but your personal differences aren't quite as threatening as they used to be. You're able to resolve most of your differences, at least to some extent, and you become more confident in the relationship. Some people feel a sense of loss in this stage as they learn to accept their partner for who they truly are, since this means they have to let go of the fantasy that was established early on in the relationship. But for the most part, the deepening sense of friendship and commitment is a good trade-off for those early feelings of butterflies and excitement. This is also when you begin to re-establish your own outside interests and friendships, which were given up in the Romance Phase. There is some danger that you may begin to drift apart from or become bored with your partner in this phase, so you should try to maintain the connection that was created in the Romance Phase. Overall, this is the stage when you finally begin to feel comfortable and happy with your deepening relationship.

Stage 5 - The Commitment Stage

This stage is also known as the Acceptance Phase, the Transformation Stage, or the Real Love Phase. It is estimated that fewer than 5% of couples actually make it to this stage, according to The Relationship Institute. This is the stage when both couples have a clear notion of who their partner is, faults, foibles and weaknesses galore... yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person in spite of all of those things (and in some cases, because of those things). You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you've chosen them, which means the level of resentment you felt in the Power Struggle Phase has decreased, if not disappeared. If you've made it to this stage, you and your partner are a team. You genuinely love your partner, and you look out for their best interests just as much as you look out for your own. Your partner is your best friend. There are few surprises about your partner's habits or character in this phase. You've collaborated to overcome many challenges together, and have grown to accept and support each other without restriction. Your vision for your relationship is in congruence with who you are and what you both truly want. You have discussed your future together - you have similar life goals, and you feel encouraged to define your relationship further. Many couples decide to make a formal or public commitment to each other in this stage (such as marriage) to demonstrate their intention to continue their relationship. This is the stage in which your relationship becomes a true partnership.

Love, Me.

No motivational message. No challenge. I just felt like writing and this is what came out...

What is love? Is it when you see yourself in another person's soul? When you are certain that they love you as much as you love them? When you've finally molded a person to love you the way you want to be loved? If so, i disagree with you. Now.

I don't think love can be defined. Or compared. Yes, i've been in love before. Well, i've loved someone before. I would have loved them as much as they needed for as long as they wanted- As long as in my eyes, i was loved back to the same degree. Yep, I said it. I'm not giving this love away if I'm not sure if they love me the same. Immature? Maybe.

But love doesn't work like that. We don't always get want we want when we want it. No matter how bad that is. But if you love, you love. I've loved someone and tried to over-love them just so they'd return the favor. Yes, i wanted them to fall in love with how in love I was with them. A strategic plan of mine. And one of most women today.

We as women are taught to adore and admire a man in order to gain his true love. How sick is that? Almost like we gotta convince a nigga to love us. It's because we have so much competition in this society. Of course, I (like every woman) feel like I'm the shit and no chick can compare to what I offer in mind, body and soul. But since that's not how you guys base your judgment on who will be your next arm piece, that means we're all in the same league. Thus, we're all competing against each other for these niggas!!!

It's so funny because we thought we loved so many people. And in fact, it wasn't love at all. When I think about the times and the people I've wasted such a powerful word on, it makes me feel like that wasn't shit! It also makes me feel like it couldn't possibly be love because how the hell did I love someone who obviously (in my face) didn't love me back? Or how did I say it before I saw ALL of that person's true colors? What the fuck was in my head where this person didn't have to work for my love?! I just gave it willingly. I just don't know.

But now at 23, I'm as stubborn as I wanna be. I'm a sucker for love but I work on my offer package EVERYDAY! So you think I'm not gonna challenge you on what your package has to offer? I think not. I'm one of those people who refuses to give credit until I'm impressed. I won't hate but I won't compliment either LOL

Impress me! Love me like I've never experienced. Love me as hard as you can and even when I don't want you to. Love me when I don't love myself and I need it the most. Love me enough to challenge me to be all that I can be. Love me so much that nothing else matters in the world because I'm good- You love me so I'm whole. Not worried about shit else. Love me in a way that I feel sick when I don't have you in my grasp. I want that type of love where we're in the same room and I can't wait to dip and take your clothes off. When I just HAVE to touch you. I want it where we are silly like kids when together. Where the sex is crazy every single time. Even during a quickie! When our friends know the deal and we're one. Never just Vic. But more like, "Is (enter name here) and Vic coming too?"

Yea... I want that shit.

-Vic