My Type Of Girl...

When we set standards and expectations, we base them off of what we imagine is ideal. Correct? So, in the end, when we mold ourselves into the women and men, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives that we should be, we are essentially saying that, that is what we would look for if we were judging from the outside. Like, the woman I want to be is in all actuality the woman I'd wanna marry if I were a dude. Get it?

So, would I date me? No, seriously. Ask yourself this question. Is what you are offering good enough if it was YOU on the receiving end?

But then on the other end. I WANT to be soooo much! I am not there yet though. However, I have high expectations. Recently, my expectations have been challenged. The question at hand was whether my expectations and standards were too high? Did I expect it right now or just for my partner to aspire to standards of that height? Well, I've been thinking about it and it's not that I want it right this minute.

My standards will not lower any time soon. Nor will they change because someone cannot meet them. They will simply find a healthy balance. Which is for that person to at least have aspirations that are in the same lane as mine. I can "bend" but I will not fold. I will work on my patience. Not only because it is more realistic, but because I may not be the package that my partner wants me to be right now. I’d expect him to be patient while I grow too.

Another funny thing about love and expectations are boundaries. Once we’ve crossed them, do we know how to step back over them to get on the right path? If you know, please enlighten us all. When you have gone too far or the relationship gets too bad, how do you fix it? Right now I am learning that it’s not all about WHO we are but WHERE we are at the time…

Who am I? I’m strong, opinionated, anal at times, sarcastic, sweet, inspirational, harsh, a good listener, pushy, selfish, stubborn, giving, self-centered, enthusiastic, charismatic, intelligent, and dingy. Yep, these are all parts of who I am… at times. Would I want to be with me? I say yes at first but then I question myself at times. Do I say that about myself because I run away from people who cannot except me for me? Am I unbearable but don’t take the time out to take responsibility for my faults? Do I even deserve all that I ask for? Idk anymore. But MY question is: If I am too much of one of my characteristics, can I change that for someone I love? How does one change what they’ve been programmed to be for 23 years of living? If I decide to change/mend/fix, how long will it take me and how long will they wait?

So much of me has changed over the last couple of years that I, along with so many of my friends, am having a hard time keeping up with myself. When you describe yourself, do you use a general speech that you’ve been using for years? Most people do! They don’t really know how to describe themselves because in life, you don’t deal with YOU. You deal with the reaction that people give from you and you base who you are off of that.

So what would your partner say about you? Is how they see you really farfetched? Or are you in denial?

We have to look at ourselves for who and what we REALLY are. And if we, in fact, don’t like that person we must take responsibility and make the necessary changes. So if I looked in the mirror, would I want to be with me? Right now. Not really.

-Vic

5 Stages in Relationships

Stage 1 - The Romance Stage

This is also known as the Courtship Phase or the Fantasy Stage, and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. This is when you and your partner have just met, and everything is absolutely amazing. You can't get enough of each other. Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other... mainly because you're both still on your best behavior. The focus in this stage is on commonalities - you have so many common interests, you could practically be the same person! You show your partner your absolute best self, and you try to please each other as much as possible. Conflict is seen as "bad" in this stage, and is avoided at all costs. You can't imagine living without this person, so you begin spending as much time together as possible. This is the stage when our defenses are down the most, which allows you to be open to and fall in love. You and your partner are building an important foundation in this stage, so your relationship can grow. There are biological effects as well. When you're in this stage, your body is producing enormous amounts of endorphins, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive and excited about everything in your life (this is that "head over heels in love" feeling!). This is the stage most often portrayed in movies and romantic novels, for obvious reasons. Bottom line - you are happier than you've ever been, and can't imagine ever feeling any differently.

Stage 2 - The Disillusionment Stage

This stage is also known as the Familiarization Stage, or the Adjusting to Reality Phase. This is where you begin to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors!). You get to know each other more and more, and as a result you start recognizing their various flaws and shortcomings. You see your partner in relaxed situations, and you become more relaxed as well. Since your body cannot possibly continue to produce the same levels of endorphins that it was in the beginning, those feelings of being on top of the world start to decline. Your partner's little habits aren't quite as cute as they used to be, but there is still enough goodwill from the Romance Stage that you're willing to overlook them. This stage can start to trickle into your relationship slowly, as you begin to see your partner for who s/he really is. Or sometimes it happens all of a sudden, when there has been some sort of dishonesty or deceit. This phase can be confusing and discouraging, since you've just experienced so much openness and connection in the Romance Stage. However, at this stage, your main job is to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict with this person effectively, which is an important skill if you want your relationship to continue.

Stage 3 - The Power Struggle Stage

This stage is also known as the Disappointment Phase or Distress Stage. As the characteristics from the Disillusionment Phase intensify, they become harder and harder to deal with. You will most likely begin to pull away from each other in this stage. At this point, you both still believe that conflict is a "bad" thing, but you are increasingly aware of your many differences. You fight to draw boundaries in the relationship, and as a result even small annoyances become big issues. This is the stage where you define unacceptable behavior, and most couples have occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. More and more often, you start to feel like your partner is self-centered or un-caring, or even worse, that they simply can't be trusted. Deep resentments begin to build if you're unable to resolve your issues in a respectful and mutually agreeable way. Many couples get stuck in this stage, because this way of interacting becomes normal in their relationship. This is when it is absolutely necessary to learn to manage your differences effectively - to communicate and work together as a team, even though it's tempting to believe that your partner's sole purpose on Earth is to make your life difficult. Not surprisingly, this is the stage most couples are in when they decide to break up or file for divorce. However, if they are able to negotiate all of the landmines during this phase, they'll move on to....

Stage 4 - The Stability Stage

This is a restful and peaceful time, compared to the last stage. This stage is also known as the Friendship Phase or Reconciliation Stage. Some couples never make it to this stage, but the ones who do find that they have deeper feelings of love, connection and trust with their partner. You now have history together, and most people begin to rely on the predictability of the relationship. As you enter this stage, you begin to realize that your partner isn't perfect, but your personal differences aren't quite as threatening as they used to be. You're able to resolve most of your differences, at least to some extent, and you become more confident in the relationship. Some people feel a sense of loss in this stage as they learn to accept their partner for who they truly are, since this means they have to let go of the fantasy that was established early on in the relationship. But for the most part, the deepening sense of friendship and commitment is a good trade-off for those early feelings of butterflies and excitement. This is also when you begin to re-establish your own outside interests and friendships, which were given up in the Romance Phase. There is some danger that you may begin to drift apart from or become bored with your partner in this phase, so you should try to maintain the connection that was created in the Romance Phase. Overall, this is the stage when you finally begin to feel comfortable and happy with your deepening relationship.

Stage 5 - The Commitment Stage

This stage is also known as the Acceptance Phase, the Transformation Stage, or the Real Love Phase. It is estimated that fewer than 5% of couples actually make it to this stage, according to The Relationship Institute. This is the stage when both couples have a clear notion of who their partner is, faults, foibles and weaknesses galore... yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person in spite of all of those things (and in some cases, because of those things). You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you've chosen them, which means the level of resentment you felt in the Power Struggle Phase has decreased, if not disappeared. If you've made it to this stage, you and your partner are a team. You genuinely love your partner, and you look out for their best interests just as much as you look out for your own. Your partner is your best friend. There are few surprises about your partner's habits or character in this phase. You've collaborated to overcome many challenges together, and have grown to accept and support each other without restriction. Your vision for your relationship is in congruence with who you are and what you both truly want. You have discussed your future together - you have similar life goals, and you feel encouraged to define your relationship further. Many couples decide to make a formal or public commitment to each other in this stage (such as marriage) to demonstrate their intention to continue their relationship. This is the stage in which your relationship becomes a true partnership.

Love, Me.

No motivational message. No challenge. I just felt like writing and this is what came out...

What is love? Is it when you see yourself in another person's soul? When you are certain that they love you as much as you love them? When you've finally molded a person to love you the way you want to be loved? If so, i disagree with you. Now.

I don't think love can be defined. Or compared. Yes, i've been in love before. Well, i've loved someone before. I would have loved them as much as they needed for as long as they wanted- As long as in my eyes, i was loved back to the same degree. Yep, I said it. I'm not giving this love away if I'm not sure if they love me the same. Immature? Maybe.

But love doesn't work like that. We don't always get want we want when we want it. No matter how bad that is. But if you love, you love. I've loved someone and tried to over-love them just so they'd return the favor. Yes, i wanted them to fall in love with how in love I was with them. A strategic plan of mine. And one of most women today.

We as women are taught to adore and admire a man in order to gain his true love. How sick is that? Almost like we gotta convince a nigga to love us. It's because we have so much competition in this society. Of course, I (like every woman) feel like I'm the shit and no chick can compare to what I offer in mind, body and soul. But since that's not how you guys base your judgment on who will be your next arm piece, that means we're all in the same league. Thus, we're all competing against each other for these niggas!!!

It's so funny because we thought we loved so many people. And in fact, it wasn't love at all. When I think about the times and the people I've wasted such a powerful word on, it makes me feel like that wasn't shit! It also makes me feel like it couldn't possibly be love because how the hell did I love someone who obviously (in my face) didn't love me back? Or how did I say it before I saw ALL of that person's true colors? What the fuck was in my head where this person didn't have to work for my love?! I just gave it willingly. I just don't know.

But now at 23, I'm as stubborn as I wanna be. I'm a sucker for love but I work on my offer package EVERYDAY! So you think I'm not gonna challenge you on what your package has to offer? I think not. I'm one of those people who refuses to give credit until I'm impressed. I won't hate but I won't compliment either LOL

Impress me! Love me like I've never experienced. Love me as hard as you can and even when I don't want you to. Love me when I don't love myself and I need it the most. Love me enough to challenge me to be all that I can be. Love me so much that nothing else matters in the world because I'm good- You love me so I'm whole. Not worried about shit else. Love me in a way that I feel sick when I don't have you in my grasp. I want that type of love where we're in the same room and I can't wait to dip and take your clothes off. When I just HAVE to touch you. I want it where we are silly like kids when together. Where the sex is crazy every single time. Even during a quickie! When our friends know the deal and we're one. Never just Vic. But more like, "Is (enter name here) and Vic coming too?"

Yea... I want that shit.

-Vic

Cleanse, Pray, and Don't Skit

June 14, 2010

5:35 a.m.

I did something really interesting a couple of minutes ago...

I did something that I haven't done in a couple of years...

I did something that I've been avoiding...

I did something that was completely necessary to improve my mental and even physical well-being...

I did something that I encourage everyone to try...

A couple of minutes ago, I got on my knees and prayed.

For the past few months, PAUSE... For the past few years, I have felt somewhat lost. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's a feeling that has been eating away at me. It's definitely not "Girl Interrupted" lost or "Lindsay Lohan" lost. I've been just kind of floating around and going with the wind. While I always embrace a good "going with the wind" moment, I think that living ones life that way for a long period of time can be utterly draining.

After months of reflection, alone time, tears, good times, and clearly bad times, I have made a decision to take control of my life. Now! There are a few ways that I intend on doing this. I've realized the beauty of having a blog and being able to share this with y'all is that if you see me out in the streets, you are totally welcome to call me out if you catch me slipping on my goals (which I REALLY encourage BTW Lol). So like I was saying, I have really thought out how I am going to begin this little journey of mine. Here we go!

1. PRAY! Everyday... To myself... out loud... on my iPhone Notes... whatever works at the moment.

2. Start with the Master Cleanse. Naysayers, please keep comments to yourself... Lol... No seriously... No negativity needed here.

For those that do not know, the Master Cleanse, "also known as the Lemon Cleanse and the Maple Syrup Diet, is a body and mind detoxification program created by alternative medicine performer Stanley Burroughs in 1941." Don't you just LOVE Wikipedia! Some people chose to do the Cleanse for 7 or 10 days. I've chosen to go full out and do 10 days.

3. Along with the Cleanse, I'm giving drinking a little rest. I know! I know! No fun huh? Well, I'm actually not even allowed to drink while doing the Cleanse, but I figured it would be a great way to focus and gain some perspective. Don't worry DC Summer friends... I promise to have a little fun with you before the summer is over :)

4. Cloves... Also taking a hike with the Cleanse and it will be a great path to me quitting at the end of summer. I know some people are gunna be ecstatic about #4. Lol

5. Get back active! I think back to when I was happiest and sharpest and it was definitely anytime I was competing in some type of sports activity. I miss that... I miss competition... I miss being outdoors and going for a run or swim. It's been a minute so I may just start with taking Ollie on some journeys or borrowing someones bike until I get this money up and get my own. SMH...

6. Reflect. Read. Write.

7. Get a weave... Hahaha... I'm just playing... but on the low... If this DC heat keeps it up, I might actually keep #7

So there's my list. That is my own personal path to gaining some peace and taking back control of my life. When I prayed, I asked God for strength and dude! I am going to need A LOT of it to really follow through. I will honestly say that I tend to make goals and just say eff it and move onto the next. This is NOT the person that I want to be. This is also something very difficult to admit, but it's necessary if I'm going to get to where I need to in life.

Like I said, I'm going to need some strength. I'm going to need support. If you can, pray for a player... Offer some words of encouragement... @Reply me on Twitter and help me stay motivated.... and if there's something that you are skitting on, consider stopping and setting a dope lil' goal for yourself. I know... It's hard, but trust me when I say... I am the ultimate skitter and I'm pretty damn good at it, but skitting is whack as long as you're skitting yourself.

Thanks in advance Homies,
L. Paige

"It really was no miracle. What happened was just this..."

If you asked me last year what type of person I’d be a year from then, I’d be totally off. My outlook has changed, my circumstances, approach towards life, goals, have all changed- For the better. Most would just write it off as maturation, but I’m not gonna limit myself to that. Yes, I’ve matured. But I have also been blessed, I’ve blossomed, I’ve experienced, I’ve yearned for more and for better. That’s not just maturation. That’s something divine.

I know that everyone has something deep down inside that tells them they deserve better or that they were destined for something great. But I feel that 10x more than others, I think. LOL Not downplaying anyone else’s dreams or goals. Not at all. For one, I wish nothing but the best for EVERYONE. But simply because I no longer compare my life to anyone else’s. I can’t. It’s a disease that many of us face and it only holds us back. Never compare. Set your own personal goals, base them only off your wants/needs/reality, then attain them on your own schedule. Simple. I’m destined for some big shit… That’s all I know.

I won’t lie though. I’m all about the positive now but let me keep it real. Sometimes I get really down. It’s because I look around and see privileged people. Some people just have so fuckin easy and it pisses me off. I get sooooo mad and envious and shut down. But they are not privileged- They are simply blessed in different ways than I am. At times like these, my positive attitude goes out of the window. I try to whine to someone but I get no results. You know, like when you were younger you did that to your parents and they always had something to say or do to make you happy for the moment. So whining gets tired. Because I realized that no one can help me but me. That’s how it’s been for many years. And yes, I pray about it. I do. But I learned something in church a short while ago….

I learned that God is really our Father in more ways than we realize. Essentially, the sermon was about asking for things versus waiting your turn. Being patient enough to wait on God’s movement and the things that were already written for us. The example the pastor gave us was how just like when we were younger we’d beg, cry and have tantrums for the things we wanted, we have that same relationship with God- Our Father. Didn’t matter if my mama told me we didn’t have the money for it or if I already had a similar toy, if I wanted it- I wanted it now. Something in my head told me I needed it and it was imperative that I had it at that very moment, thus, on my time. So like most parents, even when they know you shouldn’t have it, they give it to you. Sometimes because they really want you to shut the hell up. But sometimes, they give it you in a, “Here! Take this shit. You’ll learn.” type of way. (Don’t you remember how stupid you felt when you proved your parents right with stuff like that? LOL)

So back to me. When I start to whine about things that aren’t going my way… I don’t pray about it. I feel like it’s wrong of me to pray for my wants. I already know that God has my best interest at heart and will provide the things that I need. No need for me to ask for those. I just give thanks all the time. Even for the hard times. Because I know that there is a lesson out of it. Simple.

But sometimes I just cry to myself. Because I want to just call my daddy and have him tell me SOMETHING! Anything! There is nothing like the firm solution from a father figure. It’s like the end all, be all. Even if you don’t like it, from that point you kind of feel comfortable just accepting whatever he said. I was really emotional after this sermon on Father’s. I would kill for that comfort.

I pray that my Dad would come to me in my dreams but he never does. All I really want is a hug. Just to hear his voice tell me that everything will be okay. I’d believe him. And even though a dream is just a figment of my imagination, I’d take that and run with it. It would provide so much comfort. Just like when you haven’t heard from someone in a long time and they call you. Or like, when you think that you will never hear from someone again and you finally see their name pop up on the screen of your phone. Yea, that feeling. I want that. I wonder why he never comes to my dreams.

I say all of this to say, sometimes we feel as though we are at our lowest points. I told you, if someone asked me where I thought I’d be at on June 1, 2010.. It wouldn’t be here. And not only location wise, but who I’ve become as a person. I wouldn’t have been able to describe this Victoria a year ago. And yes, there will be so many great times. But we need to be real with ourselves, there will be some bad times too- Let’s face it. What is most important and what will get you by is your resolve. With you accepting things for how they are, being thankful regardless of how much you like the cards you were dealt and being humbled by whatever lesson that experience was divinely placed in your life for. In life, there will be times were you cannot lean on anyone to whine. All you will have is you.

Be strong. Be thankful. Be you. When you are down, look up!

-Vic